Take care of you.

As the mother of an angel, I cannot stress how important it is to have someone to talk to. Whether it be a counsellor, an advisor or another mother who has been/going through the same thing. Many people struggle to open up and talk, but what happens to all the pent up frustration? It gets taken out on your nearest and dearest.

Losing a child is the hardest thing in the world and although it becomes easier to live with, the pain is still an unbearable feeling and the knowing that you have to spend a lifetime feeling that pain, makes you feel emotionally drained. When my besutiful Scarlett passed away, she was two weeks old. A baby with a lot of complications, and none that could be fixed without damaging other organs, which already had problems.

I made the decision to end her medication and we took her to a childrn's hospice where she and I spent the last fourteen hours of her life, behaving like a normal mummy and daughter, despite the foreboding future. Scarlett passed away in my arms as she lay sleeping. It's been just over two years and there isn't an hour go by that she doesn't come into my mind.

I'm filled with a ton of emotional memories when it comes to my baby girl, but in a bittersweet way, I'm glad to have them, they're proof that she existed and proof that despite her absence, I am a mum. I fortunately had a wonderful counseling service, that just ended last month. Over the last two years, Karen, my counsellor, has been like a rock. Sure, I could vent on my family and partner, but sometimes you need a new face and a new opinion to help you deal with your darkest thoughts.

I tried only once to take my own life, by taking a too many antidepressants, I was fortunate that I didn't take enough to do any harm to myself, and the possibility of looming death made me think of the devastation I would inflict on those I love. Aside from that, I found release it cutting my arms. If things got too unbearable, like being in a crowded elevator of emotion and worry, I would grab my secret scissors and reelardly scratch my arm until it bled and swelled. My arm would hurt for days afterwards but the pain stopped me from thinking about anything else.

This self infliction has become less and less, the act of opening up and talking helped some of the emotion out of that crowded elevator. Sometimes it creeps back in and almost always causes a panic attack, but I am much more able to control my emotions and my behaviour.

I worried that after my sessions with Karen ended, that I would go back to my self-harming ways but I've found that still communication with others, other women who have been through the same, is the best way to clear your mind. Sometimes there's nothing more reassuring than hearing someone say "Me too". Below are a list of links for sites that offer counselling and message boards.

• https://www.uk-sands.org/

• http://www.tcf.org.uk/

• http://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/

• http://www.samaritans.org/